The day after

June 7, 2005
2:00 p.m.
i tried to stand up and went to the bathroom to pee..its still too painful..to walk..
to pee..to do anything.. but i wanted to walk so i can see you
4:00 p.m.
..I went down to see you.. im with mama and papa.. like me they
are so eager to see you..and as the nurse opened the curtains..

...THERE U ARE...

this is the first time that i got to see you clearly, because i was
still sedared in the delivery room when they brought you to me. I wanted to jump up and down. I wanted to scream..I wanted to cry..IM SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU..im sitting on the wheelchair and I cant see you since the window is too
high. I was pulling myself up to see you, eventhough it hurts. I cant barely move. I gave all my strenght just to have a glimpse of you. We told the nurse that i wanted to feed you and were told to wait. We waited for 15mins or so,but for me its like years. I wanted to see you. I wanted to hold you. I wanted to meet my angel.

Meeting An Angel

june 7, 2005
..at first attempt I can feel you coming down..2nd..they already saw your head
..crowning,, dr.arroyo is helping me push.. he is literally pushing you out of my
tummy.. I got bruises because of that.. on the 3rd push.. "
HOORRAYYY!!!YOU CAME OUT!!!..at exactly 1:56 a.m...
1:58 placenta is out and you are being cleaned up..I didn't hear you cry that's why I got worried..I ask dra why and she said you are sleeping..maybe the pain killer also affected you that's why you came out asleep..
2:00 a.m.
..the nurse brought you to me to see. Still I hasn't heard you cry, but seeing you is so overwhelming. I wanted to take you in my arms..i wanted to bring you closer but my hands are strapped..they are still cleaning me up.. you are SO BEAUTIFUL..
I wasn't that alert yet coz of the drugs that's why I didn't get to really look at you..and I only saw you for a few seconds..as soon as she walked out of the room I heard you cry..in my mind I want her to take you back. She wants her mommy.I smiled
when i heard you cry, as if telling myself..she cried! she’s ok. She just wants her mommy!!Everytime I hear you cry I smile. I wanted to shout,did u hear that?! THAT’S MY BABY!2:30 a.m.
I was wheeled to the recovery room and all I can think of was YOU..I was
praying to God..telling Him how thankful I am for having you..for giving you to me
(I'm crying now as I'm writing this) I was thanking HIM for keeping you and me safe
through out the delivery thanking him that he let you live...even with all the heartache we’ve been through. Now I know its all worth it..I love you so much baby. that I wanted to cry. Just thinking about you overwhelms me.
4:30 a.m.
I was sent to the room to continue my rest..the epidural still has effect that’s why I don't feel any pain yet.. Mama is waiting for me..we just went
back to sleep after telling her of how you were born...
6:00 a.m.
I woke up and mama is already awake..we talked some more about you,,I'm so happy about her reaction. The epidural is wearing off at around 10am..i can already
feel the pain of the epitome. I was being such a pain in the a**..being so difficult..but mama is trying all her best to attend to my need..she is so caring..now I know why..coz SHE LOVES ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU..
...dra came to see me at lunch time to see how I am. She lifted the “flat-in-bed” order

Part 1 The day you were Born

The day you were Born

Its two nights left before Jea turns 3. I cant believe it. Its that fast. Three years... three years... It think its about time to write my experience on that day... 3 years ago.


june 6, 2005
3:00 a.m.
...my back hurts and i cant seem to find a confortable position to sleep..I’ve been rolling and turning all night long...
4:45 a.m.
..mama woke up to prepare for work.. my back still hurts but i didnt pay
to it.. thinking it will go away.. she left at 5:15 a.m.
6:00 a.m.
...i transfered to the room thinking I will feel better lying on bed and went
went back to sleep
8:00 a.a.
...I woke up still feeling the pain, that’s when I started thinking maybe “THIS IS IT!!!!”i got excited and started observing everything. Then I got up and ate breakfast.
9:15 a.m.
I decided to take a walk to fasten the process since it has been the same since dawn.. I’m expecting to feel the pain to gradually get stronger.. I really wanted you to be born so I went to take a walk

10:00 a.m.
...still there was no sign that it will happen any sooner. Mama called up Jing to tell her to stand by in case I went into labor. Now Im back at home I went on to clean the house and do the laundry.
11:45 a.m.
..done with all the chores.I took a break and ate my lunch, I went off to sleep and
take a rest since I’m not feeling any signs of labor yet.
2:43 p.m.
I woke up from my nap and went to pee.. I discovered that I have spotting and immediately I decided to go to the hospital.. I called Dra. Murakami to let her know of my situation. She expected me to report to her about it..I wanted to wait for mama and kuya to fetch me but mama insisted that I go with Jing to the hospital as soon as I can..
3:30 p.m.
JIng fetch me up and we went to the hospital. Im not afraid at all. Im so happy that I can finally meet you.. That I can see how you look like.

I’m so excited!!!

4:02 p.m.
..we arrived at the alabang med and i am still as calm as can be..I went to the
info desk to look for Glo as Dra. instructed. They told me to go to the E.R. and
wait.
4:38 p.m.
..mama arrived at the hospital looking so woried, so i relayed to her the doctor’s
assessment. I was on the phone talking to the nurse when she arrived,we we’re instructed to go home since we may have to wait for a long time before I actually gave birth..
5:34 p.m.
..we are now back at Sta.Rosa waiting for me to go into labor. I just lay on the couch the whole time, observing the contractions. Its gradually increasing in pain, but I stayed relax and even ate dinner.
9:00 p.m.
..we decided to go back to the hospiatl since its really painful already and the contractions is 5 minutes apart.
9:00 p.m.
We arrived at alabang med the 2nd time.. this thime Dra. Murakami is already waiting for us. She examined me and to my dismay, she declared that its only 2cm open..still a long way to go, and she told me that the pain ive been feeling is only 20%. I got worried a little knowing the pain will get more stronger, but Im not afraid. I'm more anxious to see you.
9:48 p.m.
we left alabng med to go to Las Pinas Med..we arrived there at around 10:15pm. Mama is fixing my admittance and we panicked a little when we learned that we dont have enough money for deposit, so kuya left to withraw some more money.
10:45 p.m.
..we are officially admitted.. in minutes, a nurse fetch me to go to the labor room. at this point the pain is much stronger but im still relaxed im being comforted
with the thought that this will be over soon.9 months of waiting is over. We can finally move on.I told myself I can do this. Just a little bit more and its over.
11:30 p.m.
..i went on to move my bowel..shaved..strapped with monitor and all..at this time dra is in the labor room observing my progress
12:15 a.m.
..i was given novane to help me relieve the pain.. but its too painful already that even with the pain killers i can still feel so much pain..i remain as brave..i wanted this to be over soon. So i just lay there in pain. Waiting for the anesthesiologist.
1:20 a.m.
..i was wheeled to the delivery room..i got scared..the anesthesciologist hasnt arrived yet. I thought I was going to give birth without anesthesia..at 9 cm..Iwent to the whole labor without anesthesia. Its really painful but im beariing it all..
1:30 a.m.
..finallly..dr.arroyo arrived..at this time I cant compose myself anymore I started screaming telling him to give me the epidural at once.. and he just made a joke out of me. The gang are all in and this is really it!!
Im giving birth,they are in a very relax ang joyous atmosphere. I started to feel the effect of the epidural after 20 mins.by this time Im relaxed myself and I even joked around with them. They are kidding around that you will come out before
2am..dra is very eager to go home..I cant feel the contractions anymore but i can already feel you coming out..honestly i cant assess what i felt. I was excited but at the same time scared.

This is exactly how it happened. I am fortunate enough to keep the notes i wrote 3 years ago, almost right after the birth thats why this is really accurate. For those who are just about to be moms this might scare you. But believe me, everything is worth-it. Some may even say this has too much information. I didnt edit it. It is exactly how I wrote it to preserve the emotions of the past. This will also be kept inside my Memory BOx

The Miracles of life

For now, I am raising Jea on my own, without her father. Its hard, physically, fianancially but more so emotionally. Take note, I said for now, coz deep inside I still have hope that there might be some miracle that her father would come to his senses and take responsibility and a far more impossible miracle that my parents would accept that. Or if that didnt happen, maybe, just maybe, that there is somebody else out there who will love me and take Jea as his own and give the the love we both deserve. Or if that miracles doesnt happen anymore, I am so thankful for the Miracle of my life, Jea, and PApa, MAma, kuya and Pau, my family.

Without a Father..

I have kept this blog for months already but never wrote about the sad things in my life. Maybe I dont want anybody else to know.. Maybe I dont want to accept the reality or maybe I just dont want to talk about it. But this is a blog, and a blog is a journal, that tells about who I am, my daughter and everything about our life.

I was forced to face the truth about this situation when a cousin of mine posted and asked this question?

https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=5230140076443280262&postID=184835397925440851&isPopup=true
Hi Jaypee,
You seem to have everything going so well in your life. Even if I haven't connected with you for a long time, I can say that you're a strong woman. I'm proud of you and what you have become. Tell you the truth, I was shocked to see all these pictures of your daughter. Couldn't believe that you're raising her on your own. Way to go girl! Just for my own sake, whatever happened? I mean, I want to know, why you end up having the child without the father? Does he have any contact with you now? Just curious... take care and God Bless. Regards to your precious family, you're all been blessed! Love and miss you all,
Ate Edith, Kuya Jun & boys

What happened? As I look back, I dont really know why this happened.. There are several reasons. Its either
a. My parents especially mama doesnt like him, that he is a not good guy, and they my parents chose to keep me awayt from him as far as they can.(this is what "HE" would like to believe)
b. That He, the father is just a coward and wouldnt take his responsiblity. (this is what I dont want to believe)
c. That even if he wanted to take responsibility now, its not possbile anymore coz its already all messed up. (this is the truth)
d. That this is just how its meant to be. I know its complicated and really.. really hard.. But we are all ok, just as it is. Although it would be better if she has her real father.. I know that Jea can feel that love from Papa already.. he may not be her real Papa, but she gets all the love she needs from a father. Sometimes i think she gets soooooooooooooooooooooo MUCH OF IT. But that's ok she deserves all the love she can get. (this is a fact)

I think the answer is all of the above. I can come up so many many other reasons, member of my family and people who know me, have their own opinions too. But this is the simple truth.

28 years....

28 years... honestly I dont know what to feel... After all the things that happened in the past years I thought we wouldnt go this far. Its a long journey alright, as I look back I dont know which time is the good or the bad days. At times, I even think that the bad days are far longer than the happy ones. But, at this time,it seems like it doesnt matter anymore. It doesnt matter if we spend rough times, it doesnt matter if it feels like there so much heartaches, tonight what only matters is that "we made it all through that, i woulndt know if we are victorious or still hanging but we are still here, One Big Happy Family"

I am proud to be part of it, I may not be proud of my contributions to the family, if ever I made some, but I am Proud to be who I am. I am, who I am because of this family. I am proud of my daughter that we may not be the typical family, being a single mom, I am proud that she is coping up well. I know I'm not the greatest mom, but I am trying my best. I am proud of my Kuya, because no matter if we see him as meak and looks like he is unaffected of all the things thats happening, sometimes it even feels like he doesnt care, I know that He has SOOOOOOOO Much loove for our family. He managed to stay calm and courageous for all us. He tried not to take sides because he understands that in a Family, there is no side, there is no left or right. A family is only considered ONE, as a whole, together.

I am proud of my parents, that even if there are a lot of things that they dont agree on. A lot of times, that they dont like the things thats happening between them, between us. There are even a lot of times that they hated eachother. They managed to forgive, forget, understand eachother even if they they really dont. To be there for eachother, even if they are not talking to eachother. And to STILL LOVE eachtoher even if it doesnt show.














This family is still together after 28 loooooooooooooooooooong years!!! Through thick and thin, In richness and in poorness, In sickness and in health. May we never part.