Where is Home?

Yesterday, it was Kristo’s (Owie’s kid) turn to throw tantrums and cry. Usually its Jea who always cry in the morning as we drop the kids to school. But this time, Jea was behaved while Kristo was the one who is crying his hearts out. Owie had to stay and call Vic to come to school just to calm Kristo. When I got back around lunch time, to have lunch with Jea, she told me that Kristo was crying because “Pagod ago, dami bahay, dapat si mommy, daddy and lola isang house lang “ I’m tired, we have so many houses, Mommy , daddy and lola should stay in one house only. Apparently, he got tired of going to and fro mommy’s house and daddy’s house.

In my mind, im still lucky that Jea doesn’t have to go through the same situation. She will not get tired, she doesn’t have a mommy’s house and a daddy’s house. All she have is one home, Mommy’s. She will not get confused which house to go home to. Which parent treats her better. Since she never get to see her father, it’s a little simpler that way.

I would love her to know her father, even if everybody else thinks otherwise. For me, I still cant a father’s love, even if I give my all. It has to come from her father. But that is just a dream, I must admit that I long dreamed for her to play with her father. To be carried on his back, to be held in a ride or simply to by cuddled by him. Forget all about me, all I want is for her to experience all the love she can get. From me, my family , daddy and his family.

Ever since this happened to me, that’s my dream. Forget all the other dreams that I yearned for from way before. This has been my prayers from the time Jea came in to my life in this situation. I prayed for that for years before I sleep, on our trip to Antipolo Church, MAnaog Church and to every other church we went to.

But, I don’t know why, but I slowly let go. It feels as if I’ve exerted every effort I could, prayed to all the saints and churches. Somehow, im already contended of what we have. Going through that tantrums with Kristo made me see that Jea is ok. She’s not affected at all. I know, by now she already know about, “mommy” and “daddy”. She knows and feels that she is not the same with other kids, but she is ok. Not even coping up, its just the way it is. At least she doesn’t have to deal with, who’s house is she going home to. Or she doesn’t have to deal with her daddy’s girlfriend, or mommy’s boyfriend. She has me. The way I see it, she only needs me, nothing more and she will be happy.

The Miracles of life

For now, I am raising Jea on my own, without her father. Its hard, physically, fianancially but more so emotionally. Take note, I said for now, coz deep inside I still have hope that there might be some miracle that her father would come to his senses and take responsibility and a far more impossible miracle that my parents would accept that. Or if that didnt happen, maybe, just maybe, that there is somebody else out there who will love me and take Jea as his own and give the the love we both deserve. Or if that miracles doesnt happen anymore, I am so thankful for the Miracle of my life, Jea, and PApa, MAma, kuya and Pau, my family.