5 Minutes

"5 minutes" is a bargain that little J throws on me everytime she want somethingmore. It started as "5 minutes" more on bed with her in the morning. Most of the time I wake up ahead of her, th first thing she will do as soon as she wakes up is look for me. Then I'll just say my good morning to her. Here comes the 5 minutes, whe will then ask me to go back and lay with her in bed for another 5 minutes, its not actual 5 mintues, most of the time the 5 minutes turns to 10, 15, sometimes 20 minutes. She just wants to hug me as soon as she wakes up.

Then the "5 minutes" evolve into a bargaining power. She would always say, "5 mins" if she wants me to stay a little longer, before I go to work. "5 mins." may mean, more delay before bath time, or before study. "5 mins" may mean 15-20 more minutes in school when I fetch her. Or a little more time in the morning with her before I leave her in school. It can also mean "5minutes" of carrying her in the mall which eventually turns to 20-1 hour. She is very smart, and at this young age she already knows how to bargain, compromise, or trick me into giving in to whatever she wants.

What moms do for love

I was reading this entry from Mom exchange so I replied to it, not realizing, I have so much to ay that it turned out to be long enough to be a full blown blog entry. So I decided to write it here instead..

This is my reply: ( to read the article, just click on the link mom exchange above)
cute... there are a lot of things that we have to conquer/ sacrifice for the sake of our kids...

these are what i eexperienced:
1. washing her butt (who out there actually washed somebody elses poop before they became mothers? )
2. my figure, actually in didnt gain weight when I was preggy, i gained weight a year after, simply because i forgot to love myself, my love are all poured to my baby after i gave birth..
3. my friends, although I can see them if I want to, but a night out with friends is a night that I have to come home without seeing my baby awake, and greeting me.. mommy miss you! I'm pretty sure she'll be asleep when i come home after a girls night out.
4. simple pleasures, like starbucks or a new shoes, most often than not, i give in to a new toy or a new puzzle for my baby instead of buying myself some much needed new stuff
5. work sometimes. Im a very career oriented, goal oriented person before I became a mom. I have so much dreams that I work so hard for it. even if I have to work till tomorrow morning just to finish a submittal. But not anymore, when I render overtime, which is not as often as before, I feel guilty for not spending those precious times with my daughter.
6. time, isint it that all moms, wants to give their time to their kids, we would give every minute, every second if we have to.. even if it means forgetting everything else..
7. my dreams, this maybe going overboard, but at some extent its true. I still have my dreams, I still have some goals that I want to accomplish, but its either bent to accomodate my daughters life into it, or postponed or sometimes cancelled.

This are a lot of sacrifices, that comes to being a mom. Although, its really, really hard. Its still fulfilling..

The day after

June 7, 2005
2:00 p.m.
i tried to stand up and went to the bathroom to pee..its still too painful..to walk..
to pee..to do anything.. but i wanted to walk so i can see you
4:00 p.m.
..I went down to see you.. im with mama and papa.. like me they
are so eager to see you..and as the nurse opened the curtains..

...THERE U ARE...

this is the first time that i got to see you clearly, because i was
still sedared in the delivery room when they brought you to me. I wanted to jump up and down. I wanted to scream..I wanted to cry..IM SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU..im sitting on the wheelchair and I cant see you since the window is too
high. I was pulling myself up to see you, eventhough it hurts. I cant barely move. I gave all my strenght just to have a glimpse of you. We told the nurse that i wanted to feed you and were told to wait. We waited for 15mins or so,but for me its like years. I wanted to see you. I wanted to hold you. I wanted to meet my angel.

Meeting An Angel

june 7, 2005
..at first attempt I can feel you coming down..2nd..they already saw your head
..crowning,, dr.arroyo is helping me push.. he is literally pushing you out of my
tummy.. I got bruises because of that.. on the 3rd push.. "
HOORRAYYY!!!YOU CAME OUT!!!..at exactly 1:56 a.m...
1:58 placenta is out and you are being cleaned up..I didn't hear you cry that's why I got worried..I ask dra why and she said you are sleeping..maybe the pain killer also affected you that's why you came out asleep..
2:00 a.m.
..the nurse brought you to me to see. Still I hasn't heard you cry, but seeing you is so overwhelming. I wanted to take you in my arms..i wanted to bring you closer but my hands are strapped..they are still cleaning me up.. you are SO BEAUTIFUL..
I wasn't that alert yet coz of the drugs that's why I didn't get to really look at you..and I only saw you for a few seconds..as soon as she walked out of the room I heard you cry..in my mind I want her to take you back. She wants her mommy.I smiled
when i heard you cry, as if telling myself..she cried! she’s ok. She just wants her mommy!!Everytime I hear you cry I smile. I wanted to shout,did u hear that?! THAT’S MY BABY!2:30 a.m.
I was wheeled to the recovery room and all I can think of was YOU..I was
praying to God..telling Him how thankful I am for having you..for giving you to me
(I'm crying now as I'm writing this) I was thanking HIM for keeping you and me safe
through out the delivery thanking him that he let you live...even with all the heartache we’ve been through. Now I know its all worth it..I love you so much baby. that I wanted to cry. Just thinking about you overwhelms me.
4:30 a.m.
I was sent to the room to continue my rest..the epidural still has effect that’s why I don't feel any pain yet.. Mama is waiting for me..we just went
back to sleep after telling her of how you were born...
6:00 a.m.
I woke up and mama is already awake..we talked some more about you,,I'm so happy about her reaction. The epidural is wearing off at around 10am..i can already
feel the pain of the epitome. I was being such a pain in the a**..being so difficult..but mama is trying all her best to attend to my need..she is so caring..now I know why..coz SHE LOVES ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU..
...dra came to see me at lunch time to see how I am. She lifted the “flat-in-bed” order

Part 1 The day you were Born

The day you were Born

Its two nights left before Jea turns 3. I cant believe it. Its that fast. Three years... three years... It think its about time to write my experience on that day... 3 years ago.


june 6, 2005
3:00 a.m.
...my back hurts and i cant seem to find a confortable position to sleep..I’ve been rolling and turning all night long...
4:45 a.m.
..mama woke up to prepare for work.. my back still hurts but i didnt pay
to it.. thinking it will go away.. she left at 5:15 a.m.
6:00 a.m.
...i transfered to the room thinking I will feel better lying on bed and went
went back to sleep
8:00 a.a.
...I woke up still feeling the pain, that’s when I started thinking maybe “THIS IS IT!!!!”i got excited and started observing everything. Then I got up and ate breakfast.
9:15 a.m.
I decided to take a walk to fasten the process since it has been the same since dawn.. I’m expecting to feel the pain to gradually get stronger.. I really wanted you to be born so I went to take a walk

10:00 a.m.
...still there was no sign that it will happen any sooner. Mama called up Jing to tell her to stand by in case I went into labor. Now Im back at home I went on to clean the house and do the laundry.
11:45 a.m.
..done with all the chores.I took a break and ate my lunch, I went off to sleep and
take a rest since I’m not feeling any signs of labor yet.
2:43 p.m.
I woke up from my nap and went to pee.. I discovered that I have spotting and immediately I decided to go to the hospital.. I called Dra. Murakami to let her know of my situation. She expected me to report to her about it..I wanted to wait for mama and kuya to fetch me but mama insisted that I go with Jing to the hospital as soon as I can..
3:30 p.m.
JIng fetch me up and we went to the hospital. Im not afraid at all. Im so happy that I can finally meet you.. That I can see how you look like.

I’m so excited!!!

4:02 p.m.
..we arrived at the alabang med and i am still as calm as can be..I went to the
info desk to look for Glo as Dra. instructed. They told me to go to the E.R. and
wait.
4:38 p.m.
..mama arrived at the hospital looking so woried, so i relayed to her the doctor’s
assessment. I was on the phone talking to the nurse when she arrived,we we’re instructed to go home since we may have to wait for a long time before I actually gave birth..
5:34 p.m.
..we are now back at Sta.Rosa waiting for me to go into labor. I just lay on the couch the whole time, observing the contractions. Its gradually increasing in pain, but I stayed relax and even ate dinner.
9:00 p.m.
..we decided to go back to the hospiatl since its really painful already and the contractions is 5 minutes apart.
9:00 p.m.
We arrived at alabang med the 2nd time.. this thime Dra. Murakami is already waiting for us. She examined me and to my dismay, she declared that its only 2cm open..still a long way to go, and she told me that the pain ive been feeling is only 20%. I got worried a little knowing the pain will get more stronger, but Im not afraid. I'm more anxious to see you.
9:48 p.m.
we left alabng med to go to Las Pinas Med..we arrived there at around 10:15pm. Mama is fixing my admittance and we panicked a little when we learned that we dont have enough money for deposit, so kuya left to withraw some more money.
10:45 p.m.
..we are officially admitted.. in minutes, a nurse fetch me to go to the labor room. at this point the pain is much stronger but im still relaxed im being comforted
with the thought that this will be over soon.9 months of waiting is over. We can finally move on.I told myself I can do this. Just a little bit more and its over.
11:30 p.m.
..i went on to move my bowel..shaved..strapped with monitor and all..at this time dra is in the labor room observing my progress
12:15 a.m.
..i was given novane to help me relieve the pain.. but its too painful already that even with the pain killers i can still feel so much pain..i remain as brave..i wanted this to be over soon. So i just lay there in pain. Waiting for the anesthesiologist.
1:20 a.m.
..i was wheeled to the delivery room..i got scared..the anesthesciologist hasnt arrived yet. I thought I was going to give birth without anesthesia..at 9 cm..Iwent to the whole labor without anesthesia. Its really painful but im beariing it all..
1:30 a.m.
..finallly..dr.arroyo arrived..at this time I cant compose myself anymore I started screaming telling him to give me the epidural at once.. and he just made a joke out of me. The gang are all in and this is really it!!
Im giving birth,they are in a very relax ang joyous atmosphere. I started to feel the effect of the epidural after 20 mins.by this time Im relaxed myself and I even joked around with them. They are kidding around that you will come out before
2am..dra is very eager to go home..I cant feel the contractions anymore but i can already feel you coming out..honestly i cant assess what i felt. I was excited but at the same time scared.

This is exactly how it happened. I am fortunate enough to keep the notes i wrote 3 years ago, almost right after the birth thats why this is really accurate. For those who are just about to be moms this might scare you. But believe me, everything is worth-it. Some may even say this has too much information. I didnt edit it. It is exactly how I wrote it to preserve the emotions of the past. This will also be kept inside my Memory BOx

Are we ready for school?

As I was on my way home last night, im thingking of Jea's first day at school. Will I able to leave her the whole day? Will she be ok? I plan to accompany her only in the morning then leave for the afternoon after lunch, then just fetch her at 6pm. Her class schedule is whole day. Kiddo's "intensive program" whereas the children can be left the whole day. In the morning Jea will join her regular class, and take a nap after lunch then some supplementary class after that, it can be reading, art or anything she likes.

I opted for a whole day class since, id like to be the one to fetch her from school. Kiddo Academy is far from our home, so it would be hard to fetch her at school by the yaya. I thought it would actually be good for her, instead of spending half day with yaya at home. Anyway, her class is only 3times a week.

Back to the topic, with all this considerations i was wondering if we can really do this. I will bring her to school at 8am, then go to office. After that, i'll fetch her agin at 5:30, bring her to mama, then go back to work. All this without decent transportation, we will just be depending on taxi cab and MRT. It will be really exausting for me, i hope Jea can take it.

" I Love You, Dalawa!"

I came home a little late that day because I went out to coffee with Owie. I got home at around 8pm. Jea is extra sweet to me. She got smiles up to her ears when she saw me. I brought some trinkets for her, a bracelet, some hairclips and toothbrush. Mama said shes been asking for me since she got home. Its so nice to see Jea like that. She asked and asked where I have been. Once in a while she would go to my back and hug me from behind. She also kissed me a lot. We played for a little while then she asked for us to go to sleep. As we lay down, I toold her that I love her ans she replied "love you mommy!". Then I said "Goodnigt baby" and she replied "Goodnight mommy!" She would often glimpse at me and just smiled, somtimes waving her hands. Then again I said, "Love you baby!" she'll reply "love you mommy!" then I'll reply "love you too baby". Then she will close her eyes and try sleep.

At around 2am, she woke up asking me for milk. When I gave it to her I said, "good night baby! Love you! then she answered "love you, dalawa!" I said "love you too" she again said "love you , dalawa"

Early Morning Routines

Jea was so used to having me at home with her since I few months ago I was a stay-at-home mom, trying to manage my own business with a devious partner (but that's another story, and I will not spend my time writting about a scum). Going back to Jea. When I got a job and I have to leave her every morning, it was devastating to her and more so to me. At first I tried to hide, and sneak so that she would not see me leaving. But then she would still cry as soon as she realized I left. After a while, and after several talks of explaining to her that Mommy has to work. She understood already. Then the Yakult Routine started.

When I our office moved to PAranaque, previously in Taguig, Mama rides with me going to the office. What I didnt know is that Jea walk with Mama to the street corner to send her off as she rides the vans going to the office. So since mama rides with me already, we take Jea along in the car with Yaya then drop her off at the bakery to buy yakult. She would be sit patiently in the car until we reach the bakery. Then she she goes down the car, she would say "Bye-bye mommy, bye-bye mama, Ingat!" I will then lower the car windows and stay there for a while. As she got on the steps to the bakery she will look back and say "Bye-bye mommy, bye-bye mama" while blowing kisses. And stand there looking at us as we leave.

Sometimes she will even bring "baon" for us. I remember one time, I brought home a pack of bicuits, the ones that are individually packed. When I gave it to her, her first instict was to get, 2 packs then she hurriendly went to get mama's bag. She put it inside. At first I thought she was just hiding it but I realized the next morning why she did that.

The next morning, after eating breakfast and we are all ready to go to work. She got mama's bag and handed it to her. She said so proudly "Mama, I gave you biscuits, may baon ka na!" eat mo un ha. That's when I realized that she is not only smart, but also very thoughtful and concerned of others. Sometimes its bisbuit, sometimes its fruit or sometimes it lunch, she even asked her yaya to prepare for my baon and she will carry that all the way 4 flights of stairs down, and hold on to it until we reach the bakery. She then hands it to me and say "Mommy baon mo!" Im so inlove with my daughter right now as I write this blog im can feel my tears go down.

Love You baby, I will never get tired of taking care of you and I hope you will never get tired of taking care of me.

While you were sleeping

There is some serenity in watching you sleep. This is one of the habits that i've developed since you came in to my life. I remember the very first night that we are together. This was our first night home, I think you were about 3 days old then. Everybody was sleeping already, but I stared at you all night. I was overwhelmed with so much live for you, the first time I ever felt, that I cant even bare to sleep. I was too afraid to lose you. I stayed up all night to watch you sleep, holding your chest once in a while to check if your still breathing. Call me paranoid, but I have so much love overflowing that I dont even want to close my eyes for a second. Because that single second is one second now seeing you.

Years has passed and your turning three in a few months, but I still watch you sleep. Not so much because of paranoia, but I just love that feeling of security, of calmness, of blessings to have you with me. Even if sometimes I wasnt the one to put you to bed, just putting you beside me and looking at you so peacfully gives me warmth.

There is so much joy in watching you sleep. The sense of accomplishment that we just finished our day. Knowing that as you sleep by my side also simbolizes you being with me, by my side my whole life, that I will never be alone again. That eagerness for me to see you wake up the next morning, either waking me up, or simply smiling.
Those are the treasures I hold on to, everytime I look at you.

28 years....

28 years... honestly I dont know what to feel... After all the things that happened in the past years I thought we wouldnt go this far. Its a long journey alright, as I look back I dont know which time is the good or the bad days. At times, I even think that the bad days are far longer than the happy ones. But, at this time,it seems like it doesnt matter anymore. It doesnt matter if we spend rough times, it doesnt matter if it feels like there so much heartaches, tonight what only matters is that "we made it all through that, i woulndt know if we are victorious or still hanging but we are still here, One Big Happy Family"

I am proud to be part of it, I may not be proud of my contributions to the family, if ever I made some, but I am Proud to be who I am. I am, who I am because of this family. I am proud of my daughter that we may not be the typical family, being a single mom, I am proud that she is coping up well. I know I'm not the greatest mom, but I am trying my best. I am proud of my Kuya, because no matter if we see him as meak and looks like he is unaffected of all the things thats happening, sometimes it even feels like he doesnt care, I know that He has SOOOOOOOO Much loove for our family. He managed to stay calm and courageous for all us. He tried not to take sides because he understands that in a Family, there is no side, there is no left or right. A family is only considered ONE, as a whole, together.

I am proud of my parents, that even if there are a lot of things that they dont agree on. A lot of times, that they dont like the things thats happening between them, between us. There are even a lot of times that they hated eachother. They managed to forgive, forget, understand eachother even if they they really dont. To be there for eachother, even if they are not talking to eachother. And to STILL LOVE eachtoher even if it doesnt show.














This family is still together after 28 loooooooooooooooooooong years!!! Through thick and thin, In richness and in poorness, In sickness and in health. May we never part.