Thursday, October 9, 2008

Reflection Day 1

Chapter 1 –It All Starts with God

I’ve always thought that I am a very confident woman, very goal oriented and I can get just about anything that I put my mind into.

Lately, for the past 4 years and even for the rest of my life, I wasn’t doing what I was suppose to do. In my dark days, I didn’t have a goal at all. I didn’t even have the courage to dream, I didn’t want to dream coz I don’t want to fail again. And I’ve fallen so deep already, I just wanted to survive, because I don’t have the guts to cut my life, nor the trust that my daughter and the rest of my family will be ok if Im gone. So, I have to continue living, continue breathing. A lot of times, if I only have the choice or have the courage or the conscience to not breath I would. I came in to a point that wakinf up in the morning breathing pains me so much. I don’t want to wake up, I don’t want live, But Im still here.

What I didn’t know is that, I am doing it all wrong. I was setting all the goals for my career, for my family, for my life. What I didn’t know is that, that is not my purpose. Its all about God, not about me, not about what I want to be. He is the creator, He is the only one who knows why and what am I here for. And if only I figures that, I will be fine. I will not feel any pain, any failure because if I do what am I here for then Im done. Its like using a screwdriver as a hammer, No matter how much force we put into the screw driver onto that nail, it wouldn’t work, we will just end up ruining both, the screw driver and the nail. It will never be perfect, it may go into the wood but it may either be, bent, mis aligned, or worse broken. If we only used the hammer, which is specifically meant for that nail, it could have been perfect. The job should been done right and the hammer could have served its purpose. Worse is that as we tried to use the screw driver for the wrong job, it breaks. That’s what happened and is happening to me, I was going to the different, the wrong path, not trying to learn my real purpose.

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